Behind the Songs: Hanging in the Balance

I wrote Hanging in the Balance in the middle of the night back in the fall of 2009. The song felt like it came out of the blue, but I think the emotions behind the lyrics had been brewing for a while. I was working on pieces of Shadows & Sunlight and More Than Broken, and somehow I ended up writing all of Hanging in the Balance that evening. At the time, I felt that God was really trying to teach me some tough lessons about trusting Him (I’m still learning those lessons). Let me give you a little back-story.

Paradise Lost
Crystal and I were married in September of 2008. We spent our honeymoon in an all-inclusive hotel in Aruba. It felt like a dream. However, real life hit us hard upon returning to Columbus, OH. It seemed like every day was a war field. We weren’t struggling in our marriage, but we were facing many circumstantial challenges – Crystal was having trouble finding a job, I was afraid of losing my job (at a production house which had developed a pattern of laying people off), and in addition to all this, I started to experience some weird health anomalies. One morning, I woke up and my right arm was numb and I couldn’t remember some very key names and locations. I ended up going to our primary doctor who recommended I see a neurologist. The neurologist ordered an MRI of my brain, and discovered that I had multiple spots in both frontal lobes of my brain. This was a very scary time for both Crystal and I. The neurologist ordered more tests. Over the next year, I had 4 MRIs, a spinal tap, multiple blood tests, and visual exams. I was tested for MS and a variety of other neurological diseases. We waited for months and months, but the doctor could not diagnose my condition. Eventually, he concluded that the spots in my brain were not causing any present concern. A virus may have caused them, or I may have been born with them. The numbness and confusion I had experienced may have been symptoms of a bad migraine headache. In the end, the only thing conclusive was that I have a blood-clotting disorder (maybe or maybe not related to the spots on my brain).

The challenges continued into 2009 and 2010. During our trip to celebrate our second anniversary in September of 2009, my ears began ringing, and have been ringing ever since. This has been quite frustrating for me as a musician. However, I’ve learned to deal with it. It does come and go to a degree and that makes it less annoying. In the winter of 2010 and 2011, I began having episodes of aura (or blurred vision) over a course of multiple days (I used to have these from time to time in college). Every day, I was afraid I would have another aura episode (which would leave me useless for about an hour and often worn out for the rest of the day). After a couple months, the aura suddenly went away. In the spring of 2011, I went to the hospital with chest pains and an abnormal EKG. The cardiologist discovered that I have Bicuspid Aortic Valve Disease, which means I only have two flaps instead of three flaps in the aortic valve of my heart. My chest pains were probably caused by stress and/or pulled muscles, but I learned that my heart is abnormal. Nevertheless, this is a common disease, and is simply something that needs to be monitored, as I get older. However, the health issues have continued. Over the last year and a half, I’ve noticed increasing floaters in my eyes, and they’ve gotten to the point that it is sometimes hard to read or to use a computer. I don’t think I’m going to go blind, but I do worry how much worse the floaters will become. There are days when I wonder what health issue might be around the next corner. What I’m left with is this – I have spots on my brain, a blood clotting disorder, an abnormal heart, occasional aura, ringing in my ears, and floaters. However, none of these problems are ones that are life threatening (at least right now).

I don’t write all this to make you feel sorry for me. I know many people who have and/or are experiencing pain and struggle far beyond my realm of understanding. I just want to paint a background as I continue to explain the journey that we have been on.

This World is Not Our Home
I can’t deny it – I’m a seasoned worrier. I’m probably a hypochondriac as well. I really like to imagine the worst in most situations. It’s challenging for me to trust God for more than several hours, sometimes several minutes. That’s probably why He keeps bringing trials into my life. I’m thinking He’s trying to teach me something. So often, I dream about a world where everything is comfortable and in balance. I keep coming back to the reality that this dream world does not exist on this side of eternity. In fact, life may actually keep getting more and more difficult the older I get. The health issues I’ve experienced are only the beginning of a life of physical deterioration. The stresses and fears I know now are nothing compared to the ones I will soon face as the parent of a little boy.

Life is always going to be an uphill fight. This is a reality we all must come to grips with. This truth can really bring us down, especially if we don’t have any hope beyond this earth. One verse I’ve clung to in times of trouble is 2 Corinthians 4:16-18 which reads, “Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.” The second verse of Hanging in the Balance reads “It’s in days like these/Our purpose is awakened/And we’re forced to face the place our treasure lies/As the earth below/Our mortal feet is shaken/The hope of glory wells within our eyes.” When trials come into our lives, we are pushed to consider what is most important to us. It is human nature to protect what we consider to be most valuable. If we worship our own health, our hopes will come crashing down when our bodies start to fail. If we worship wealth, we’ll have nowhere to turn when the economy suddenly collapses. If we worship the opinions of other people, we will despise ourselves when people don’t approve of us. If we worship our relationships, we will be completely devastated when we lose a loved one.

Everything in this world is fragile. Nevertheless, we like to construct our own castles and kingdoms in hopes that they will never be destroyed. When things succeed, we like to take the credit. When things go wrong, we like to blame God as if we deserve anything to begin with. The first verse of Hanging in the Balance reads, “It’s in days like these/Our fortresses are candid/How breakable, how fragile and exposed/There’s so much we love/And so much we‘ve abandoned/On a stage not ours, in a play we never wrote.”

It’s ironic that we Christians can both claim to trust God with our eternity yet fail to trust Him with even the smallest disappointments of this life. From the day we’re born, we want to be in control. I heard the other day that kids learn to manipulate as early as six months of age. The desire for monarchy comes as a factory default. As much as we might hate to admit this, the reality is, we are in control of nothing but our own attitudes.

An Unfailing Love, An Unshakable Hope
God is timeless and sees the whole story. He knew us each before we were a twinkle in our parents’ eyes. He also sees the future – our good days, our bad days, and our eternal existence beyond the grave. He is all-powerful, and created the entire universe with the Word of His mouth. It’s amazing that He also cares about us. David expresses his awe of God’s love in Psalm 8:3-4 “When I consider your heavens, the work of your fingers, the moon and the stars, which you have set in place, what is mankind that you are mindful of them, human beings that you care for them?” Luke 12:6-7 reminds us that God even knows the number of hairs on our heads – “Are not five sparrows sold for two pennies? Yet not one of them is forgotten by God. Indeed, the very hairs of your head are all numbered. Don’t be afraid; you are worth more than many sparrows.” The chorus of Hanging in the Balance reads, “You are The Lord, the First and Last/God of the Ages, Unsurpassed/Who are we here that You should care/We fade away like grass/You are above all time and space/You hold the galaxies in place/You know the hairs upon my head/Each breath is by Your grace.” What would our lives look like if our worries and our fears were overshadowed by a sincere trust in God? What would happen if we really believed that God loved each one of us and has our best in mind? I Corinthians 2:9 encourages us with this hope - “‘What no eye has seen, what no ear has heard, and what no human mind has conceived’ the things God has prepared for those who love him.” Even when the waves of this life appear treacherous and insurmountable, we can take comfort in the fact that God is in complete control. Soon the waters will still, the storm will fade to a distant memory, and we’ll look back, amazed how God carried us through the impossible, protecting us and guiding us every inch of the way.

Psalm 23:4 “Even though I walk through the darkest valley, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me.”

Read the lyrics to Hanging in the Balance here.

Other links:
Behind the Songs: More Than Broken
Behind the Songs: Shadows & Sunlight
Behind the Songs: Surfacing