Finding Balance

A journal entry written during my time at "Driven" June 16th

It's amazing how anxious and overwhelmed I've been, even doing things I enjoy. I've spent the majority of this week either practicing or playing for the worship band. I really wanted to come here to meet and encourage people. It's not very often that you meet this many young folks from all the state and country.

I'm just weary of trying to keep up. If you live your life clinging to other's expectations, you'll find you'll get behind real quick. I even feel a pressure here and at home to seek more and more social interaction, as if one day, I'm going to finally have enough friends. I just honestly feel like I'm trying to dip out of too many buckets - I'm involved at "Front Porch" (a young ministry at my church) on both Thursday and Sunday nights, I go to a Bible study on Tuesday nights, I run sound for Saturday weddings and Sunday morning services at a local Presbyterian church. I have the responsibility of Taylor's Attic (a tv show I'm producing music and sound for) on my shoulders, and I'm trying to keep a struggling rock band afloat. On top of that, I'm trying to stay connected with my parents (I'm over there every week...always an awesome time) and seeking to stay in touch with both my close hometown friends and my college buddies from Liberty. I know so many people, I'm involved in so many things...and you'd think this would make a guy happy. The reality is, I'm overwhelmed, stressed, and excited all at one time. Good things are happening, but I feel like I'm losing touch with God. I've been down the path of trying to make all these things my means to happiness, better self worth, etc. and I've realized just how empty those things are in themselves (worldly success, man's approval, etc.) I want to live a life of dependency upon Christ, a life aimed at eternity...yet I know that includes people, and choices, and letdowns...this is the reality of being a spirit man in a physical world.

I just wish I knew what I'm supposed to do next. I don't think I can get plugged into one other thing without first disengaging from another. Sometimes, God calls us to stay where we're at. Often, we're simply driven by the excitement of something new - if it's using another stupid Christian catch phrase (post modernism, relavance) or whether it's a deam of building a new church. Some people hate change (I know some) while others feed off of it, as long as it betters themselves (I personally have the problem of focusing on the next goal, acheivement, etc). I suppose this is not always the case; some individuals want change so that it might benefit others - this being the only Christlike motive for accerelating change.

Today, one of the pastors here asked me what my gift was - feeling a bit unprepared, I responded with a hestitant "encouragement." Ironically, I'm sitting here alone writing in a journal when I could be initiating conversations with hurting people. In regards to "encouraging people"...I suppose, if anyone, I am drawn to kids as well as any number of "outcast" types, especially the artsy music folk. In a way, I feel I am one of them; I can talk on their level, and hopefully, I can encourage them in ways in which I have been encouraged as both a musician and a Christian. I also have an interest in reaching teens through music...I just despise the idea of being trapped in a dying stagnent youth group...I've been there and it's depressing. I think the reality is, kids have changed (compared to when I was a kid)...it feels like there's so much apathy these days. I hate apathy from anyone because you feel like your words, your actions, and your heart are just falling on the floor. How can you reach someone who just doesn't care? There are however greater virtues of response such as grace, persistence, and faith.