Lord, where do I begin today? Life has been a wash of changing situations – stabilities constantly digressing. How dependent I find myself – riding the waves of progression, sinking as tides calm. How I dream of resting – long hours of sleep will not do, inactivity only breeds sinful curiosities. Is equilibrium within a spinning world even a possibility? If only I could break free of the cycles – I am controlled by blessings; when blessing fail or even but for a moment cease to pour, I am steered by substitutions which leave me distant from the only Constant I know.
Today I am again climbing out of the rebellious valley which so easily besets me. Oh, to be sinless – to constantly hunger for the One who wove me together. Lord, how can you still love me…after years of disobedience? You not only know what I’ve done; you know the sins I will commit two weeks from now.
Why do I claw my way into the dark places which I so quickly flee from in disgust? “Why are you here again?,” I ask myself, “Don’t you remember how lost you were left last time?.” After the sin comes several days of wandering, having plunged into darkness, I seek to find again that seemingly distant light, which appears only as a speck above a musty cavern. As a foolish child returns its hand to the wounding stovetop, so I ingest again my own vomit.
Father, I love You. Break me again. May You have Your will in my life. Renew a tired soul, awaken a cynical spirit. The life which once swam in abundance is finding burdens in breathing. I feel old, past tense, discarded, as a trend faded, like a bird who now only speaks in whispers about the flight which once set it free.
How can a human being enjoy life when all of life’s offers diminish? I shun the things I once loved for they are cursed with fading. I am saddened with prospects of an unfulfilled life. I am disturbed knowing that life is stronger than me; I am unable to harness or control it. I will forever on some level be a victim, yet I dream of conquering the mortal chains which take me captive…to lay aside the human frailties and embrace the spirit qualities which I have been gracefully and mysteriously imparted. If I were only human, I would not wish for such things; the spirit man and the flesh man are in constant battle. Today, I wish for the spirit man to win.
-Marc Andre (April 2005)
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