Fears of Frailty

Like any human, I suppose I am somewhat hesitant about revealing the fallen and weaker side of myself. As a perfectionist, I demand so much from my art, from myself, and at times, from others. The gift of being able to dig deep into your own psyche comes with it the tendencies of over analysis and self criticism. As a child, I remember being sent to a counselor because I was exclaiming that I hated myself. I used to throw temper tantrums when I couldn't find that one missing Lego piece which I at the time needed so desperately. Sure, I have "matured" since then, but at times, I still find the same misconceptions parading an easily discouraged mind.

Blogs take on a lot of forms, and to this point, mine has been carefully streamlined, excluding for the most part the valleys of doubt and fear which can so easily flood the artistic brain. In a world of airbrushes, the temptation to "look presentable" is great. As a Christian musician, I sometimes feel the pressure to look invincible.

Over the last couple months, I've been involved in a guy's Bible study which meets every Tuesday night. It's awesome how we are becoming more and more open with each other. Sometimes, I get tired of being labeled as "the musician" as I want people to see the person underneath the music. I want people to like me for more than just my skills or "my influence." As musicians, it's easy to hide behind our "abilities." I've found that a lot of musicians are pretty insecure people. You can cover a lot of blemishes if you are able to point others' attention to what "you are good at." Recently, I've been reminded of the importance of finding my value in Christ. The smallest things can throw us. I've been a little discouraged recently. The whole show thing has been frustrating. It's tough to get into venues where there are a fair of amount of people. I'm tired of doing the local shows as it often feels like the "prophet has no honor is his own town." Local radio stations won't support us, and not very many people have been coming out to our local shows. As the poem below mentions, I am really trying to find God's will in all this. I think there is just part of me which wants to settle down, get married, and have a family. Only God knows how this will happen. I would like to meet the right woman, but for some reason, I feel like I just keep running into walls. As frustrating as it is at times, maybe God wants me to remain single, at least for the time.