Behind the Songs: Bed of Strangers

This was a tough one to write. With Bed of Strangers, I wanted to talk about marriage struggles, but I didn’t want to say too much or too little. If I got too specific, some couple out there might think I was writing about them (which is not true; this song is about no one in particular), and if I didn’t say enough, I might paint an incomplete picture. In summary, Bed of Strangers speaks of a married couple that has drifted apart. They once believed their marriage was strong, but over time, the foundation of their relationship began to subtly crumble. Their marriage began to take last place next to other commitments, and slowly wilted as both tried in their own strength to survive the challenges of life. The vows they once made were scattered and lost like rice thrown on the wedding day. Words of affection were locked away in a closet like a dusty wedding dress, only to be replaced with cutting comments and manipulative motives. As the song says, they've come to a place where they are “a foot away and a trillion worlds apart.”

God Called It Beautiful
How do relationships come to this point? How do seemingly good marriages fall apart? It’s sad how so many marriages, even Christian marriages, are fighting to keep a pulse. It’s really an epidemic. The divorce rate among Christians is as high or higher than that rate among non-believers. Of all people, Christians should be modeling strong and positive relationships.

We were amazed how many negative comments we heard about marriage before we were married. Sadly, these comments were mostly from Christians! Some comments included the following.

“Another one bites the dust.”

“Should we tell her she’s a fool?” (for getting married)

“May God bless you in this time of bliss and even when all that wears off.”

"You're getting married? You poor man."

“My advice about marriage - don’t.”

“ It’s a conspiracy among married guys to get you to join in their pain. We say marriage is great, and make sure our wives are listening.”

I wonder if these people understood that those comments reflected upon their own marriages. They were basically saying, “My marriage is going to pot, and so will yours.” Why would someone even say something like this, especially as a Christian? God called marriage a good thing (Gen 2:24). Why would we turn around and belittle God’s design?

A Recipe for Success
After three and a half years of marriage, I’m certainly no expert. However, I do know two things for sure. First, marriage is from God, and it is not God’s will that marriages are broken (Matt 19:6). Second, God can give us strength to make it through anything (2 Peter 1:3). Don’t get me wrong. I’m not suggesting that marriage is always going to be an easy road. We’re all imperfect, and every person is different, which means every marriage is going to have unique hurdles. However, I think there are some basic principles that will help any relationship to flourish.

Keep God in the center. The very act of submitting to God forces us to die to self. So many marriages are crashing and burning because self has gotten in the way. One or both people are looking out for number one, instead of focusing on the Lord and on becoming one with the other person. A couple with their eyes on Christ will naturally draw together as the Holy Spirit convicts and changes their hearts.

Pray as a couple. Seeking the Lord together will keep your attention on God as Father, Provider and Author of your marriage. Fight for a mutual goal of honoring the Lord.

Keep a short account. Confess your sins to one another, and forgive each other (James 5:16, Eph 4:31-32). Don’t let the sun go down on your anger (Eph 4:26). Holding a grudge will not only destroy your marriage; it will erode your joy and will hinder your relationship with God.

Strive for open communication. Don’t keep secrets. Guys, this may be a tough one, but stay accountable to your wife. If you struggle with the Internet or cable, give her the password to the Internet filter or the password to your cable pay-per-view service. Secrets will ruin your marriage. You can’t live a double life and expect your marriage to survive. Make a commitment every day to honor your spouse.

Keep the romance alive. Make time for each other. Don’t stop dating – even if you have children. Your kids need to know that mommy and daddy love each other. They won’t be scarred if you go out on a Friday night from time to time, or if you go away for an occasional weekend. Your connection as husband and wife directly affects your relationship with your children.

Focus on the positive. Remember the good times. Rainy days will come. Believe that your marriage can grow and can move forward. Trust that God can do more than you can imagine or ask for. Don’t settle for the lie that “things will never get better.” If you shoot for nothing, you will hit it every time. There is a line in Bed of Strangers that reads “Is this all, is this all? How we see is who we are.” Often, we become who we believe we are. We stay where we think we have arrived.

Surround yourself with good marriages. Don’t make it a habit to hang out with Christians who bash marriage and/or belittle their spouse. Find positive God-seeking friends. Iron sharpens iron, but a little mold spoils an otherwise good loaf of bread.

Re-evaluating Our Foundation
It’s crazy to think that Crystal and I have been married over three and a half years. So much has happened over this time, and I can honestly say the difficulties have only brought us closer together. I love Crystal more today than the day we spoke those vows at the altar. I don’t take any credit for our relationship; it has been God’s doing. I can look back and see how He has carried us when we couldn’t carry ourselves. I can see how He has healed wounds that only He could heal. We are both sinners, and we each have our faults. However, we have an incredible God.

Maybe the walls of your marriage appear to be collapsing. Maybe you have prayed and have done everything you can to fight for your marriage. If this is the case, please realize that I am not trying to deny the complexities of your given situation. You can’t change the other person. If your spouse is unwilling to submit to God, all you can do is keep praying. Above all, take an inventory of your own heart. Start with your pride and selfishness. Ask God to reveal to you how you can be a better spouse. So many counselors, even Christian counselors, give worldly solutions that ignore the depravity of man. We are all sinners. We are the problem. Your spouse is not the problem. Society is not the problem. Her family or his family is not the problem. Like me, you are the problem. We need to own up to our own sin.

In conclusion, I will say that I also wrote this song for myself. It is my goal to fight for our marriage, and I pray that Crystal and I will never grow apart. We are as vulnerable as anyone else, but I know that God will strengthen and support our marriage as long as we keep Him in the center. If you are married, I hope that you will also strive to stay close to your husband or wife.

If you’d like to read some of my Singlehood in the Rear View blogs (written not long after Crystal and I were married), click here.

To read the lyrics to Bed of Strangers, click here.

Other links:
Behind the Songs: Canyon's Edge
Behind the Songs: Missing
Behind the Songs: Keeping Time
Behind the Songs: Hanging in the Balance
Behind the Songs: More Than Broken
Behind the Songs: Shadows & Sunlight
Behind the Songs: Surfacing

Behind the Songs: Canyon’s Edge

The Grand Canyon has to be one of the most beautiful and breath taking places in the world. A thousand pictures couldn’t do it justice. You have to go there to experience such grander and magnitude. Unfortunately, I’ve never had the chance to visit the Grand Canyon, but look forward to the opportunity in the future. I’m hoping some day we can maybe take a road trip out west with our kids. Crystal had that experience with her family when she was younger, and I hope we can do the same thing with our kiddos one day.

I wrote Canyon’s Edge after a conversation I had with a friend who was on the verge of making a huge decision in his life. Unlike many conversations we had had in the past, this one was different. My friend was far from a religious person, and from all I could tell he did not have a personal relationship with Jesus. However, as we were sitting drinking coffee at a coffee shop in Powell, OH, he mentioned that he felt like “God was talking to him.” I was both astonished and excited to hear this! As we continued to talk, he shared how a message at church had convicted him to “step out of the boat” to follow Jesus (we both had run sound at a church together for years). He remarked that he knew that “he shouldn’t wait any longer to make this decision.”

It’s About Time I Told You
Back in 1995, I attended Word of Life Bible Institute in tiny Scroon Lake, NY. It was a one-year “Bible boot camp” program which included Bible training and ministry experience. I worked in the kitchen, was involved with a traveling choir and was also a counselor at the Word of Life Island (a summer camp for teenagers). One of the greatest highs of that year was to witness adults and kids making decisions to follow Christ. As students, we often had the opportunity to share our own testimonies. It was incredible to see God working in hearts. During summer camp, I watched some of the toughest kids break down in tears as they surrendered their hearts to Jesus.

During my year at Word of Life, the leaders would often shout out “Let the redeemed of the Lord… and we would finish with “…say so!!!!” I’ve been writing in this blog since 2005, but I have never directly shared my testimony. Today, I would like to do just that.

The Journey of a Broken Man
I was born the youngest child of two missionaries. My parents were missionaries to France, and I was born in Dayton, OH while our family was on a short furlough/break from the mission field. My parents had been in France for 13 years, and after I was born, we returned to France as a family for another year and a half. We came back to the states in 1980.

When I was about five years old, I remember telling my mom “I wanted to ask Jesus into my heart.” I didn’t comprehend a lot at that age, but even with a simple faith, I understood that I was a sinner who was in need of a Savior. Since that day, my walk with God has definitely had its ups and downs. I went to a Christian school K-12, and attended Word of Life Bible Institute (94-95) as well as Liberty University (95-98). For the first 22 years of my life, I was inundated with Biblical teaching and was surrounded by Christians as well as people posing as Christians. As I look back at high school, I can see that I was really focused on rules and “doing the right thing,” so much so I probably came across as judgmental at times. I recall getting mad at friends for making inappropriate jokes, and I remember looking down on peers because they drank or went to “questionable” movies. I genuinely wanted to please the Lord, but at the same time, I was judging other people more than loving them. It really took me a long time to recognize this, and even to this day, I find myself pointing the finger, when I need to be paying closer attention to my own heart condition.

When I went away to Word of Life in 1995, I was really excited about learning more about the Bible, and I wanted to grow closer to the Lord. It was both a challenging and fun year. Among many duties, we were required to have “quiet times” (alone time with God), and though I didn’t like the idea of being forced to spend time in the Bible and prayer, I found that I really grew a lot through those moments. I remember sitting on a log in the woods next to the beautiful glistening Scroon Lake, asking God for direction. I had no idea what I was going to do after Word of Life, and I also was dating a girl who was pushing me towards marriage (glad that didn’t work out!). There was something refreshing about feeling close to God.

Despite all this good behavior, I struggled with sin. Not only was I guilty of judging people, I wrestled with wrong thoughts and wandering eyes. My battle with sin only increased as I went through my years at Liberty. Things got even worse when I got out of college, and intensified when I moved out of my parent’s house, and eventually began living on my own. I was entertaining a double life. Part of me wanted to honor God, and another part of me wanted my own way. From the outside, I may have looked like the model Christian, but inside, my heart was rotting. I wanted to live in the light, but the darkness was so enticing. I despised who I was, and who I was allowing myself to become. I so badly wanted to be married. I was dying to find someone who would understand me. People were everywhere, but I felt so alone. I was so depressed at times, I considered taking my own life (but never had the guts to try). There were moments when I felt like I was going crazy. At one point, I decided that I would try to become numb, and I started telling myself that “my feelings didn’t matter.” I struggled with these feelings on and off through most of my 20’s.

As I look back, I can see how God protected me in so many ways. He was faithful, and despite my failures and stubbornness, He hung on to me and He kept pulling me back to himself. When I was five years old, I believed that I needed a Savior. Thirty-six years of living with myself has shown me that I am hopelessly desperate for a Savior. There is absolutely nothing good in me. In fact, I deserve to go to Hell. My sin is what nailed Jesus to the cross. My heart remains deceptively evil, despite my effort to clean up. I need a Savior. I have nothing, absolutely nothing without Jesus.

Jesus continues to transform my life. He is my best friend. He understands me when nobody can understand me. He is there to listen and give me direction when this world doesn’t make sense. I have a purpose in this life, and I have hope for the afterlife. Do I still sin? Yes. Everyday - in one way or another. However, I know that I am forgiven (if I confess my sins), and the more I set my eyes on Jesus, the less this world appeals to me.

That Undeniable Voice
Maybe you’re like my friend in the coffee shop. You know that God is talking to you. He is calling you to Himself. This whole Jesus thing used to freak you out, but now you feel like your eyes are opening. If you feel this right now, it’s the Holy Spirit working in your heart.

Jesus made some very strong statements. He was anything but politically correct, and far from accepting when it came to other worldviews. He claimed to be the Son of God, and the only way to Heaven (John 14:6). As the late author C.S. Lewis wrote in his book Mere Christianity, Jesus was either a lunatic or He was in fact who He said He was. He was either completely out of his mind or He was in fact “The Way, The Truth, and the Life.”

The Bible says that one day every knee will bow and every tongue will confess that Jesus is Lord (Romans 14:11, Phil 2:10-11). We each have a choice. We will either accept who Jesus is while we’re on earth, or we will walk with fear into eternity, with nothing to look forward to except the consequences of not accepting Him (Hell). Some will say, “How can a loving God send people to hell?” A better question to ask is “How could a just and Holy God who hates sin be so loving to sacrifice His only Son so that sinful mankind could have the opportunity to spend eternity in Heaven?” John 3:16 says “For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life.” God is both loving and just. He is so loving He allowed his son to be crucified on a cross. He also is just, and cannot tolerate sin. That is why Jesus was sent. Unlike the many sacrifices made in the Old Testament, Jesus was the one time sacrifice which satisfied God’s wrath, and covered the sin of all mankind (Hebrews 10:1-18).

The Bible says that “no one is righteous, not even one” (Romans 3:10-12). That means that every person who has ever lived on this earth (besides Jesus) is a sinner – from the priest to the murderer. Every single person is in the same sinking boat. I’m a sinner. You’re a sinner. We’re all sinners. Romans 3:23 says “all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God.” The Bible also tells us “the wages of sin is death” (Romans 6:23). That means we all deserve Hell. We can’t earn God’s favor by doing good things. So many religions teach that man must work his way into Heaven. The Bible clearly states that we are saved by grace. Ephesians 2:8-9 reads “For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith—and this is not from yourselves, it is the gift of God - not by works, so that no one can boast.” Then how can man know eternal life? Romans 10:9 states “If you declare with your mouth, ‘Jesus is Lord,’ and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved.” The bridge of Canyon’s Edge rings with Jesus’ words, “I AM the Resurrection/The Way, The Truth, The Life/I AM the only Passage from here to the other side/No one comes to the Father/Except he trust my name/This cross I gave my life on/Is where you’ll find that yours begins.”

Standing on the Edge
I imagine it’d be pretty scary to stand on the edge of the Grand Canyon. Even more, I’d be frightened to death to jump, even if I knew there was a net to catch me. Maybe Jesus is calling you to jump – not literally from the edge of the Grand Canyon, but from your place of doubts and fears into His gracious arms. Take it from someone who has made that leap. There is nothing that compares to knowing Jesus. The Christian life is by no means an easy one, but it is a life like no other, full of meaning and built on unshakable hope. It doesn’t matter how much you’ve sinned, or how much you’ve run from God. Romans 5:8 says “But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.” You don’t have to clean up to come to Jesus. You just have to come. Take that first step. Confess and believe. Life is so short, and eternity without Jesus is worse than the worst Hollywood nightmare. Eternal life with Jesus will be amazing beyond the scope of our understanding – greater than anything this world could ever offer. If God can create the Grand Canyon… and the galaxies beyond this world, imagine what Heaven is like. Luke 9:25 calls to set our sights on eternity - “What good is it for someone to gain the whole world, and yet lose or forfeit their very self?” Jesus is waiting for you. If you don’t know Him, what are you waiting for?

To read the lyrics to Canyon’s Edge, click here.

Other links:
Behind the Songs: Missing
Behind the Songs: Keeping Time
Behind the Songs: Hanging in the Balance
Behind the Songs: More Than Broken
Behind the Songs: Shadows & Sunlight
Behind the Songs: Surfacing

Portrait of Me Music Video

This music video is extra special to me as it features my artist father Phil Gegner. As long as I can remember, I think of my dad drawing – working on a detailed oil painting or calligraphy in his studio, drawing pencil portraits at family gatherings, even sketching pictures of unbeknownst people at restaurants while waiting for our meal. Not only is this song dedicated to my earthy father, it also addresses God as the Great Artist – the author of life and creativity. The video was shot in my dad’s art studio, and at Liberty Presbyterian Church in Delaware, OH. Ben Bays shot, edited and directed the video. (www.room101productions.com)

Featured in the video are also string actors Winni Li (violin), Brian King (viola) Sabrina Chon (violin), Brian King (viola) and Matt Hawley (cello). Matt Hawley and I grew up together, went to the same school K-12, and were neighbors during middle school and high school.

The actual players on the recording are David Davidson (violin), David Angell (violin), Monisa Angell (viola), John Catchings (cello) and Marc Andre (piano). Bobby Shin engineered the string session and Todd Robbins mixed the song (and album). Robert Nugent arranged the strings.

To see the music video for Shadows & Sunlight, click here.

If you haven’t heard the new album Snapshots of the Shattered Soul, take a listen on iTunes.

Phil Gegner Artwork
To see some of my dad’s artwork (besides those works displayed in the video), click here. He has worked in oil, watercolor and pencil, and specializes in portraits (people, pets, even houses) and calligraphy.

Shadows & Sunlight Music Video

After much anticipation, the music video for Shadows & Sunlight is here! Thanks to director Ben Bays for his amazing work! Also, thanks to Shawn Likely who assisted Ben in shooting the footage. I’d also like to send a thank you out to actor Ian McCue, as well as the band – Jim Davis (drums), Joey Bradley (bass), Mitch McKelvey (guitar left) and AJ Maynard (guitar right). Finally, thanks to my father-in-law who loaned us a kerosene heater to keep the room warm!

(The players on the actual recording are Miles McPherson (drums), Joeie Canaday (bass), Matt Meyer (rhythm guitar), Mike Payne (lead guitar), Marc Andre (keys))

Ben Bays and I met back in 2005. We began by working on a kid’s show together at a production house in Columbus, OH (he produced the video, and I produced the audio and music). Since then, I’ve written the music for two of his short films, The Truck Driver and The Horseman. To hear some music from The Horseman, click here.

Future collaborations are in the works.

Click here to watch the music video for Portrait of Me. This video features my artist father.

To see more of Ben’s work, visit http://www.room101productions.com

Behind the Songs: Missing

Missing speaks of a less-than-ideal relationship, where one person desires a closer relationship while the other person appears to be satisfied with a relationship of unresolved issues and underlying dysfunction.

Most of us have at least one relationship that feels broken. Friendships are complicated because we as people are complicated. In addition, every person deals with conflict differently. Some individuals completely shut down when they encounter conflict. Others want to get everything on the table in hopes that a compromise can be reached and forgiveness can be spoken. Some people just want to sweep issues under the rug and forget that conflict ever occurred. Often, these differences in reaction and conflict resolution (or the lack thereof) can needlessly keep friends and family members at a distance from one other.

The Bible speaks a lot about unity. Ephesians 4:1-3 says, “As a prisoner for the Lord, then, I urge you to live a life worthy of the calling you have received. Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love. Make every effort to keep the unity of the Spirit through the bond of peace.” Likewise, Psalm 133:1 says, “How good and pleasant it is when brothers live together in unity!” The call to live in unity is far from an easy assignment. Regardless, it is God’s will that we work towards and even fight for good relationships. Of course, we can’t be close to every person we meet. An acquaintance with a co-worker is going to look a lot different than a friendship with an old college friend. A friendship with an old college friend is going to vary from a relationship with a spouse.

What Means The Most
We will generally spend the bulk of our time and efforts on the things that matter the most to us. If we like football, we will keep up with the latest news on players and scores. If we are passionate about cooking, we will look for new recipes and we might dream of the latest kitchen gadgets. If our marriages are important to us, we will strive for open communication and will work to keep the romance alive. If family relationships are valuable to us, we will search for ways to connect with and encourage our family members. Part of the second verse of Missing sums it up this way – “They say we’ll stay close to what means the most/And sadly I feel from you so far/I can’t say I know just who you are.”

Often, relationships fizzle due to a difference in expectation. One person desires to take the relationship to another level while the other person is content with the way things are. A counselor friend once told me that he’s found that many couples and family members would rather endure the current discomfort of a relationship instead of dealing with the pain that often comes with change. Sometimes, the road to better relationships requires us to admit our own faults. Often, it forces us to put ourselves in someone else’s shoes. At times, we may have to forgive our spouse or a family member for mistakes he/she has made in the past. Sacrifices may need to be made. We may need to spend less time enjoying a favorite hobby or past time. We might need to learn the art of listening. We may need to learn to appreciate another person’s interests or differences.

Redefining the Impossible
Maybe you’re at a place where you feel like you’re spinning your wheels trying to make a relationship better. Maybe you’ve been praying for years for reconciliation. I would encourage you to keep praying. God does hear our prayers, and you never know what impact your prayers might eventually make. The bridge of Missing speaks of such a struggle – “Will it always be this way?/Will we hang our hearts someday?/Sorry that we hadn’t held the moments/Closer than we did?/Only God can crack the walls/And awake the wasted cause/How I pray He’ll give us reasons to begin/Can we leave the place we’ve been?” Don’t give up. Take it from someone who has seen miracles. You are only responsible for your own response and attitude. You can’t change another person, but God can bring growth when there appears to be no sun and He can raise beauty from the rockiest of soils.

“Therefore if you have any encouragement from being united with Christ, if any comfort from his love, if any common sharing in the Spirit, if any tenderness and compassion, then make my joy complete by being like-minded, having the same love, being one in spirit and of one mind. Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others. In your relationships with one another, have the same mindset as Christ Jesus: Who, being in very nature God, did not consider equality with God something to be used to his own advantage; rather, he made himself nothing by taking the very nature of a servant, being made in human likeness. And being found in appearance as a man, he humbled himself by becoming obedient to death— even death on a cross!” Philippians 2:1-8

“I appeal to you, brothers, in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ, that all of you agree with one another so that there may be no divisions among you and that you may be perfectly united in mind and thought.” 1 Corinthians 1:10

“And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity.“ Colossians 3:14

“But in fact God has arranged the parts in the body, every one of them, just as he wanted them to be. If they were all one part, where would the body be? As it is, there are many parts, but one body. The eye cannot say to the hand, "I don't need you!" And the head cannot say to the feet, "I don't need you!" On the contrary, those parts of the body that seem to be weaker are indispensable, and the parts that we think are less honorable we treat with special honor. And the parts that are unpresentable are treated with special modesty, while our presentable parts need no special treatment. But God has combined the members of the body and has given greater honor to the parts that lacked it, so that there should be no division in the body, but that its parts should have equal concern for each other. If one part suffers, every part suffers with it; if one part is honored, every part rejoices with it.” 1 Corinthians 12:18-26

Read the lyrics to Missing here.

Other links:
Behind the Songs: Keeping Time
Behind the Songs: Hanging in the Balance
Behind the Songs: More Than Broken
Behind the Songs: Shadows & Sunlight
Behind the Songs: Surfacing

Behind the Songs: Keeping Time

I once auditioned a drummer who swore that the metronome I asked him to play with was “throwing him off because it was speeding up and slowing down.” This really has nothing to do with this post, except that it alludes to keeping time in a musical sense. I just thought that was pretty funny. On a side note, if you are a musician, practice with a metronome. It doesn’t matter if you’re a guitarist, bassist, pianist or drummer. Practice with a click track or a metronome. It will drastically improve your playing.

Music, Germs and Burglars
Years ago, I roomed with a guy who constantly worked. He hated many aspects of his job, and the hours he spent working revealed that his job was completely invading and controlling his life. When most people were hanging out with friends on a Friday night, he was at work. When he got home from work, we’d often talk about work. I felt really bad for him. I just wish he could break out of that pattern and “live” a little.

Workaholics are everywhere. In fact, I know I can be a workaholic when it comes to creative things. It’d be absurd for me to point a finger at my workaholic friend because I am guilty of obsessing over lyrics, arrangements, blogs, and even facebook comments. I’ve also been teased before because I can be obsessive compulsive. This is a little embarrassing, but I’m sort of a germaphobe and to add to that, I check to make sure our apartment door is locked and the stove is turned off at least two times before we go to bed each night. These are silly illustrations, but my obsessions go even deeper. I will admit I am obsessed with… you ready for this… it’s hard to admit… ok, here goes… I am obsessed with the temporary. I am so often consumed with the here and now. When I’m not sweating over today, I might be trying to imagine tomorrow or smear yesterday off of my mind’s stubborn dry erase board.

If you’re honest, I bet you’d admit that within the last 24 hours, you’ve been hyper focused on yesterday, today, or tomorrow. It’s human nature (ie. sinful nature) to put the temporary before the eternal. You may not be obsessed with work, music, germs or burglars, but I would guess that you too struggle with keeping eternity in mind in a world that worships the short-lived.

Losing Time, Keeping Time
The book of Ecclesiastes reminds us that work (without an eternal perspective) is meaningless. In chapter 2, verse 22 and 23, Solomon concludes, “What does a man get for all the toil and anxious striving with which he labors under the sun? All his days his work is pain and grief; even at night his mind does not rest. This too is meaningless.” It’s ironic that the more we acquire on this earth, the more worried we become that we will lose what we’ve acquired. There’s a line in Keeping Time which says, “The more we grab, the more we’ll find/We’re losing time keeping time.” The more we hold on to today, the more we waste today. Matthew 6:19 says, “Do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moth and rust destroy, and where thieves break in and steal. But store up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where moth and rust do not destroy, and where thieves do not break in and steal. For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.” We actually earn imperishable investments when we lose our lives for the Kingdom of God and for God’s glory. Luke 9:24-25 reads, “For whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for me will save it. What good is it for a man to gain the whole world, and yet lose or forfeit his very self?” Some of us are consumed with our financial portfolio. Some of us simply want a carefree life with little responsibility or worry. Some of us care so much about our external appearance, but pay little attention to the unattractive condition of our own hearts.

Obsessed With A Speck On Eternity’s Line
We as humans have trouble imagining eternity. We are used to minutes, hours, days, weeks and years. Have you ever stopped to think about how your lifetime compares to eternity? If a single breath represents your life, consider inhaling all of the oxygen in the entire world. Now imagine inhaling all the oxygen that every human being has inhaled in the history of mankind. Now imagine if the entire universe was filled with oxygen and trees that helped to recycle the oxygen. Imagine inhaling a universe of oxygen over the course of the universe’s history. You can see where I’m going. Our lives are so brief in comparison to eternity.

How are you investing the fleeting moments of this life? Are you pouring into others or are you gathering fame and stockpiling riches only to step into eternity empty handed? Are you telling others about Jesus or are you distracting yourself with sport scores and social networking? Maybe you don’t even know Jesus? Maybe it’s time to look eternity in the eye and take a spiritual inventory.

Just like the drummer I auditioned denied the consistency of a metronome, we can live as if eternity doesn’t exist. Eternity is an absolute, and whether we deny it or ignore it, it’s still the underlying reality. Just as I need to daily refocus my eyes on the eternal, I encourage you to do so too.

Colossians 3:2 “Set your minds on things above, not on earthly things.”

Read the lyrics to Keeping Time here.

Other links:
Behind the Songs: Hanging in the Balance
Behind the Songs: More Than Broken
Behind the Songs: Shadows & Sunlight
Behind the Songs: Surfacing

Who's Reading the Blog?

I thought I'd check who's been reading my blog. These are the page view stats from the last month.

United States - 247 - Canada - 36 - Germany - 36 - Russia - 25 - Ukraine - 17 - Pakistan - 7 - Latvia - 6 - Venezuela - 5 - France - 4 - Netherlands - 4

The blog has gone international! Thanks to all the readers out there!!!

Reading the Musical Compass

Recently, I’ve been trying to write some new songs. It will probably be a little while before I release another album – however, it feels good to experiment with some new music. I thought I’d try to get some writing in before the baby comes in April.

I try to take a slightly different approach with every project I create. Sometimes, I find direction by considering what worked and what didn’t work on the last album. Snapshots of the Shattered Soul has only been out for several months, but I’m already trying to analyze its strongest and weakest points. It’s been interesting to see what songs on the album are the most popular. On Backstage Pass, Hurricane definitely took the cake. A number of people also liked Pull Through, A Thousand Gods and By Now, but Hurricane was the common denominator. Snapshots of the Shattered Soul, on the other hand, seems to have a little something for everyone. My “rock” friends like Surfacing, Shadows & Sunlight and Missing. My “acoustic folksy” friends like More Than Broken and Wherever Love Would Go. My “CCM” friends like Worshipping You and Portrait of Me. Other people like Keeping Time and Canyon’s Edge. I have one friend who likes A World Without and Today. Another friend likes Bed of Strangers. At this point, it’s hard to tell what worked because it seems like the album has worked as a whole.

I have had a couple friends tell me I should zero in on making a rock record, something that builds on the mood and energy of Surfacing and Shadows & Sunlight. What do you think?

Behind the Songs: Hanging in the Balance

I wrote Hanging in the Balance in the middle of the night back in the fall of 2009. The song felt like it came out of the blue, but I think the emotions behind the lyrics had been brewing for a while. I was working on pieces of Shadows & Sunlight and More Than Broken, and somehow I ended up writing all of Hanging in the Balance that evening. At the time, I felt that God was really trying to teach me some tough lessons about trusting Him (I’m still learning those lessons). Let me give you a little back-story.

Paradise Lost
Crystal and I were married in September of 2008. We spent our honeymoon in an all-inclusive hotel in Aruba. It felt like a dream. However, real life hit us hard upon returning to Columbus, OH. It seemed like every day was a war field. We weren’t struggling in our marriage, but we were facing many circumstantial challenges – Crystal was having trouble finding a job, I was afraid of losing my job (at a production house which had developed a pattern of laying people off), and in addition to all this, I started to experience some weird health anomalies. One morning, I woke up and my right arm was numb and I couldn’t remember some very key names and locations. I ended up going to our primary doctor who recommended I see a neurologist. The neurologist ordered an MRI of my brain, and discovered that I had multiple spots in both frontal lobes of my brain. This was a very scary time for both Crystal and I. The neurologist ordered more tests. Over the next year, I had 4 MRIs, a spinal tap, multiple blood tests, and visual exams. I was tested for MS and a variety of other neurological diseases. We waited for months and months, but the doctor could not diagnose my condition. Eventually, he concluded that the spots in my brain were not causing any present concern. A virus may have caused them, or I may have been born with them. The numbness and confusion I had experienced may have been symptoms of a bad migraine headache. In the end, the only thing conclusive was that I have a blood-clotting disorder (maybe or maybe not related to the spots on my brain).

The challenges continued into 2009 and 2010. During our trip to celebrate our second anniversary in September of 2009, my ears began ringing, and have been ringing ever since. This has been quite frustrating for me as a musician. However, I’ve learned to deal with it. It does come and go to a degree and that makes it less annoying. In the winter of 2010 and 2011, I began having episodes of aura (or blurred vision) over a course of multiple days (I used to have these from time to time in college). Every day, I was afraid I would have another aura episode (which would leave me useless for about an hour and often worn out for the rest of the day). After a couple months, the aura suddenly went away. In the spring of 2011, I went to the hospital with chest pains and an abnormal EKG. The cardiologist discovered that I have Bicuspid Aortic Valve Disease, which means I only have two flaps instead of three flaps in the aortic valve of my heart. My chest pains were probably caused by stress and/or pulled muscles, but I learned that my heart is abnormal. Nevertheless, this is a common disease, and is simply something that needs to be monitored, as I get older. However, the health issues have continued. Over the last year and a half, I’ve noticed increasing floaters in my eyes, and they’ve gotten to the point that it is sometimes hard to read or to use a computer. I don’t think I’m going to go blind, but I do worry how much worse the floaters will become. There are days when I wonder what health issue might be around the next corner. What I’m left with is this – I have spots on my brain, a blood clotting disorder, an abnormal heart, occasional aura, ringing in my ears, and floaters. However, none of these problems are ones that are life threatening (at least right now).

I don’t write all this to make you feel sorry for me. I know many people who have and/or are experiencing pain and struggle far beyond my realm of understanding. I just want to paint a background as I continue to explain the journey that we have been on.

This World is Not Our Home
I can’t deny it – I’m a seasoned worrier. I’m probably a hypochondriac as well. I really like to imagine the worst in most situations. It’s challenging for me to trust God for more than several hours, sometimes several minutes. That’s probably why He keeps bringing trials into my life. I’m thinking He’s trying to teach me something. So often, I dream about a world where everything is comfortable and in balance. I keep coming back to the reality that this dream world does not exist on this side of eternity. In fact, life may actually keep getting more and more difficult the older I get. The health issues I’ve experienced are only the beginning of a life of physical deterioration. The stresses and fears I know now are nothing compared to the ones I will soon face as the parent of a little boy.

Life is always going to be an uphill fight. This is a reality we all must come to grips with. This truth can really bring us down, especially if we don’t have any hope beyond this earth. One verse I’ve clung to in times of trouble is 2 Corinthians 4:16-18 which reads, “Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.” The second verse of Hanging in the Balance reads “It’s in days like these/Our purpose is awakened/And we’re forced to face the place our treasure lies/As the earth below/Our mortal feet is shaken/The hope of glory wells within our eyes.” When trials come into our lives, we are pushed to consider what is most important to us. It is human nature to protect what we consider to be most valuable. If we worship our own health, our hopes will come crashing down when our bodies start to fail. If we worship wealth, we’ll have nowhere to turn when the economy suddenly collapses. If we worship the opinions of other people, we will despise ourselves when people don’t approve of us. If we worship our relationships, we will be completely devastated when we lose a loved one.

Everything in this world is fragile. Nevertheless, we like to construct our own castles and kingdoms in hopes that they will never be destroyed. When things succeed, we like to take the credit. When things go wrong, we like to blame God as if we deserve anything to begin with. The first verse of Hanging in the Balance reads, “It’s in days like these/Our fortresses are candid/How breakable, how fragile and exposed/There’s so much we love/And so much we‘ve abandoned/On a stage not ours, in a play we never wrote.”

It’s ironic that we Christians can both claim to trust God with our eternity yet fail to trust Him with even the smallest disappointments of this life. From the day we’re born, we want to be in control. I heard the other day that kids learn to manipulate as early as six months of age. The desire for monarchy comes as a factory default. As much as we might hate to admit this, the reality is, we are in control of nothing but our own attitudes.

An Unfailing Love, An Unshakable Hope
God is timeless and sees the whole story. He knew us each before we were a twinkle in our parents’ eyes. He also sees the future – our good days, our bad days, and our eternal existence beyond the grave. He is all-powerful, and created the entire universe with the Word of His mouth. It’s amazing that He also cares about us. David expresses his awe of God’s love in Psalm 8:3-4 “When I consider your heavens, the work of your fingers, the moon and the stars, which you have set in place, what is mankind that you are mindful of them, human beings that you care for them?” Luke 12:6-7 reminds us that God even knows the number of hairs on our heads – “Are not five sparrows sold for two pennies? Yet not one of them is forgotten by God. Indeed, the very hairs of your head are all numbered. Don’t be afraid; you are worth more than many sparrows.” The chorus of Hanging in the Balance reads, “You are The Lord, the First and Last/God of the Ages, Unsurpassed/Who are we here that You should care/We fade away like grass/You are above all time and space/You hold the galaxies in place/You know the hairs upon my head/Each breath is by Your grace.” What would our lives look like if our worries and our fears were overshadowed by a sincere trust in God? What would happen if we really believed that God loved each one of us and has our best in mind? I Corinthians 2:9 encourages us with this hope - “‘What no eye has seen, what no ear has heard, and what no human mind has conceived’ the things God has prepared for those who love him.” Even when the waves of this life appear treacherous and insurmountable, we can take comfort in the fact that God is in complete control. Soon the waters will still, the storm will fade to a distant memory, and we’ll look back, amazed how God carried us through the impossible, protecting us and guiding us every inch of the way.

Psalm 23:4 “Even though I walk through the darkest valley, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me.”

Read the lyrics to Hanging in the Balance here.

Other links:
Behind the Songs: More Than Broken
Behind the Songs: Shadows & Sunlight
Behind the Songs: Surfacing

Behind the Songs: More Than Broken

One of the reoccurring themes throughout Snapshots of the Shattered Soul is the theme of brokenness. I really wanted to produce a project that met people where they were. I didn’t want to write songs about the way the things should be. Instead, I set out to write about real life – songs that could reach into the lives of both Christians and non-Christians alike.

We are all imperfect and broken people. There is something wrong with every one of us. To begin, we are all sinners and blemished before a perfect and holy God. In addition, we all have issues that hinder us in one way or another. Some of us are defeated by the destructive voices inside our own heads. Some of us are losing a fight with addiction. Some of us are crying out for love, yet are looking in all the wrong places. For some of us, pride is killing our relationship with God and with others. Some of us secretly despise our own looks or personality.

My Own Journey of Brokenness
For years, I’ve wrestled with whether God truly loves me. Even though the Bible tells me about God’s love, I’ve at times believed that God has abandoned or forgotten me. Maybe you’re there or have been there. On a personal note, I’m currently unemployed and have been without full time work for over five months. As a guy, this has been extremely frustrating and humbling. The desire to provide for my family is in my blood, yet it remains unfulfilled. My pregnant (and incredibly supportive) wife is working part time, and I’m still searching for work. Audio-for-video production jobs are scarce in Columbus, OH (I went to school for communications with a focus in broadcast media). Most of these jobs are in Los Angeles or New York, and we’d rather not move too far away from our family with a little baby on the way (however, we may have to). On the flip side, it’s tough to get a “low end” job because I’m over qualified. As an example, I’ve had no retail experience and very little warehouse experience. Even though I could easily be trained for some of these jobs, I’ve had no experience so that makes me a lesser candidate. At times, I’ve been able to make some extra money through freelance staging work or live sound work. However, freelance jobs tend to be few and far between in the wintertime.

I did work as a worship pastor for a little over two years, but I question whether I can ever bring myself to work in a church again (unless God changes my heart). Both Crystal and I were so hurt by how things were handled there. We desire to forgive everyone who was involved, but at the same time, it’s hard to imagine going through that sort of thing again. I was basically asked to resign because I was not showing enough “passion” from the stage. The pastor wanted to see people clapping and smiling all the time, while I was trying to lead people in the genuine worship of God, not the worship of experience (which tends to be theme at a lot of churches these days). One day, it seemed that everything was going well… then one Tuesday morning, I walked into what seemed to be a typical weekly meeting with the pastor, only to find out that he wanted me to resign immediately. A half hour later, I was clearing out my office, and was talking on the phone with my wife, who was both shocked and hurt. Less than a week later, we were standing in front of hundreds of our friends telling them that we were leaving the church (against our own will). Anyone who has gone through this sort of thing understands the emotions that come with having the rug pulled out from under you. One challenge of ministry jobs is this – if you lose your job, you lose more than just a job. You lose friends, you lose your support system, and you can become an outcast in the community. This is tough on a guy who tends to find identity in work, and it may be even more difficult for a woman who finds her identity in deep-rooted relationships.

A Constant Friend Along Uncertain Roads
Through this journey, there have been times when I have felt like quite a loser. I’ve often cried out, “God, where are you in all this? Have you forgotten us? I thought I was called to minister to people, but I feel so useless right now! I want to take care of my family, but I get turned down for every job I apply for. Why would you give us a baby and then not take care of us?”

The amazing thing is God has been taking care of us. We’ve been able to pay every bill on time. We haven’t had to use credit cards. We had thousands of dollars of medical bills earlier this year, all of which are paid off (65% was covered by financial aid). Our friends and family have been so supportive. Every time it feels like “we’re going under,” another miracle happens. A side job or a gift shows up. It’s truly incredible. God promised in his Word to provide for our basic needs (Matthew 6:25-34), yet I’ve doubted that promise so many times. It’s just been a reminder that God really does love us and he loves the little baby boy my wife is carrying (even more than we do).

I’ve been humbled a lot through this journey. For one, I’ve realized how much I want to do things my way. I want to be the one providing for my family. I want to feel the accomplishment of earning a paycheck. I want to plan for tomorrow, and I want to know that we have a back-up plan in place in case the floor falls out again. In such uncertainty, I’ve been reminded that God is the One who provides all things. If I have a job, it’s because He’s allowed me to have that job. If I don’t, He’s still the same Father who loves us as His children.

The bridge in More Than Broken speaks a lot into our current situation - Maybe there’s love that won’t let go/Maybe there’s One who heals the soul/A constant friend along uncertain roads/Maybe He meets us where we are/Making beautiful these scars/He hears the cries of our forsaken hearts (these words were written back in the fall of 2009). Last Sunday, I was guest worship leading at a church and the pastor said something that really resonated with me. He said that Jesus understood what it felt like to be rejected. Of course, I knew that already, but when I heard the pastor say this, it rang with a new meaning. Jesus was betrayed by friends. He was mocked and spit upon while he carried a cross He didn’t deserve to carry. He understands brokenness more than any of us could. What’s even more amazing is the reality that He loves each one of us, more than we could ever imagine. Romans 5:8 says, “But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.” The world may tell us that we’re worthless if we don’t have this or that or if we don’t look a certain way. Our own doubts may tell us that God doesn’t care. We may believe the lie that we are unlovable. Jesus loves us so much He died for us despite our sin. How can we doubt His love in light of such a great sacrifice?

The Stories Behind The Song
I wanted to take a story-telling approach with the lyrics of More Than Broken. The first verse talks of a woman who doesn’t feel loved by her husband. She hasn’t done anything wrong, but she doesn’t know what to do except to blame herself. The story is fictional, but was partially inspired by someone we knew who was going through some marriage struggles.

The second verse paints the picture of a boy who is not loved by his parents. There is also some dissension between his parents. He tries to ignore the pain, but it is still there no matter how far he runs from it. These lyrics are inspired by a true story. In sixth grade, a friend of mine took his own life. My friends and I could not believe it. One day he was there at school and the next thing we knew, he was gone. I still don’t know all the details except that his grades had something to do with the situation. To this day, I still think about my friend Luke and wonder what would have happened if he really believed that he was loved by God and by so many friends.

God’s Love For You
I know that there are people out there (maybe reading this very blog) who are hurting inside. A woman who doesn’t have anyone to talk to. A guy struggling to survive another day.

Psalm 34:18 reads, “The LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.” God knows our pain. It’s crazy to me that Jesus was both completely God and completely human. What this means is that He is able to help us like no one else (as He is God, all powerful and all knowing) and He is able to understand us and empathize with us like no human can (as He Himself was tempted and tried just like us – Hebrews 4:15).

Maybe you’re hurting. Cry out to God. Take it from someone who has cried out to God many times. He will hear you and if you let Him, He will reach in and heal your deepest wounds. One day, you may see that those wounds are for His glory. He may use what you’ve been through to encourage other people. He may use those scars to remind you where you’ve been, and how far He has brought you.

"Come to Me, all who are weary and heavy-laden, and I will give you rest. Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For My yoke is easy and My burden is light." Matt 11:28-30

“Are not five sparrows sold for two pennies? Yet not one of them is forgotten by God. Indeed, the very hairs of your head are all numbered. Don’t be afraid; you are worth more than many sparrows.” Luke 12:6-7

“For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.” Romans 8:38

“But God chose the foolish things of the world to shame the wise; God chose the weak things of the world to shame the strong. God chose the lowly things of this world and the despised things—and the things that are not—to nullify the things that are, so that no one may boast before him.” I Corinthians 1:27-29

Other links:
Behind the Songs: Shadows & Sunlight
Behind the Songs: Surfacing