Thursday, April 28, 2005

Fears of Frailty

Like any human, I suppose I am somewhat hesitant about revealing the fallen and weaker side of myself. As a perfectionist, I demand so much from my art, from myself, and at times, from others. The gift of being able to dig deep into your own psyche comes with it the tendencies of over analysis and self criticism. As a child, I remember being sent to a counselor because I was exclaiming that I hated myself. I used to throw temper tantrums when I couldn't find that one missing Lego piece which I at the time needed so desperately. Sure, I have "matured" since then, but at times, I still find the same misconceptions parading an easily discouraged mind.

Blogs take on a lot of forms, and to this point, mine has been carefully streamlined, excluding for the most part the valleys of doubt and fear which can so easily flood the artistic brain. In a world of airbrushes, the temptation to "look presentable" is great. As a Christian musician, I sometimes feel the pressure to look invincible.

Over the last couple months, I've been involved in a guy's Bible study which meets every Tuesday night. It's awesome how we are becoming more and more open with each other. Sometimes, I get tired of being labeled as "the musician" as I want people to see the person underneath the music. I want people to like me for more than just my skills or "my influence." As musicians, it's easy to hide behind our "abilities." I've found that a lot of musicians are pretty insecure people. You can cover a lot of blemishes if you are able to point others' attention to what "you are good at." Recently, I've been reminded of the importance of finding my value in Christ. The smallest things can throw us. I've been a little discouraged recently. The whole show thing has been frustrating. It's tough to get into venues where there are a fair of amount of people. I'm tired of doing the local shows as it often feels like the "prophet has no honor is his own town." Local radio stations won't support us, and not very many people have been coming out to our local shows. As the poem below mentions, I am really trying to find God's will in all this. I think there is just part of me which wants to settle down, get married, and have a family. Only God knows how this will happen. I would like to meet the right woman, but for some reason, I feel like I just keep running into walls. As frustrating as it is at times, maybe God wants me to remain single, at least for the time.

"The Pen" - A Poem on Writing

Why do I keep writing? What is so enchanting about an emotion set to pen? There is something in the written word which transcends dialog, even deep discussions. Thoughts swirl about my head and in some strange process, the galactic chaos of my mind is neatly packaged in bitesize verses and refrains. I wonder about the reality of another album. It seems there are inspired zygotes awaiting a moment of concentration. After all the slammed doors, debt, and aching questions, I wonder why I would ever consider the possibility of a junior project. I surely haven't experienced enough "success" to justify the sacrifices neccessary for a third record. Did God lead me to create Backstage Pass; did He sustain me through unending edits, vocal layers, and nights of near quitting...or was it a stubborn spirit which pushed me past listening, and beyond good sense? Have the last nine concerts been dvinely orchestrated or have I simply slipped into an unordered stream of rocky promise? Am I clinging to a childhood pipe dream, wasting both time and resource...or am I called to create? Is walking away from it all a sign of overdue surrender, or might such an action come as slap in the Maker's face?

Marc Andre - April 20th, 2005

"Cycles" - A Poem On Human Frailty

Lord, where do I begin today? Life has been a wash of changing situations – stabilities constantly digressing. How dependent I find myself – riding the waves of progression, sinking as tides calm. How I dream of resting – long hours of sleep will not do, inactivity only breeds sinful curiosities. Is equilibrium within a spinning world even a possibility? If only I could break free of the cycles – I am controlled by blessings; when blessing fail or even but for a moment cease to pour, I am steered by substitutions which leave me distant from the only Constant I know.

Today I am again climbing out of the rebellious valley which so easily besets me. Oh, to be sinless – to constantly hunger for the One who wove me together. Lord, how can you still love me…after years of disobedience? You not only know what I’ve done; you know the sins I will commit two weeks from now.

Why do I claw my way into the dark places which I so quickly flee from in disgust? “Why are you here again?,” I ask myself, “Don’t you remember how lost you were left last time?.” After the sin comes several days of wandering, having plunged into darkness, I seek to find again that seemingly distant light, which appears only as a speck above a musty cavern. As a foolish child returns its hand to the wounding stovetop, so I ingest again my own vomit.

Father, I love You. Break me again. May You have Your will in my life. Renew a tired soul, awaken a cynical spirit. The life which once swam in abundance is finding burdens in breathing. I feel old, past tense, discarded, as a trend faded, like a bird who now only speaks in whispers about the flight which once set it free.

How can a human being enjoy life when all of life’s offers diminish? I shun the things I once loved for they are cursed with fading. I am saddened with prospects of an unfulfilled life. I am disturbed knowing that life is stronger than me; I am unable to harness or control it. I will forever on some level be a victim, yet I dream of conquering the mortal chains which take me captive…to lay aside the human frailties and embrace the spirit qualities which I have been gracefully and mysteriously imparted. If I were only human, I would not wish for such things; the spirit man and the flesh man are in constant battle. Today, I wish for the spirit man to win.

-Marc Andre (April 2005)

Saturday, April 23, 2005

After The Show

Had a great time playing at Life Community Church in Hilliard last night! Thanks to everyone who came out and supported us. It looks like Darby Refuge and the Marc Andre band may be doing some more shows together in the future...stay tuned. Hopefully, we'll have a DVD clip posted of last night's show in the near future.

In other news, all the songs on "Backstage Pass" are now finally registered with ASCAP...after four months of waiting! A friend of mine is working to promote songs from the album to radio stations abroad.

New shows added: check out the calendar at: to see newly posted upcoming shows, including a trip to Point Pleasant, WV in July and a journey to Bristol, TN in November!

In "day job" news...this next week, we will tape the last episode of season one of the kid's show I've been working on over the last 3 months. This means I should soon be back into the 40hr per week work groove. After next week, we will have recorded nearly 35 kids songs for this soon-to-be nationally syndicated program (I can't really reveal the name quit yet). I'm mostly producing the songs (not writing them), but it's been a fun experience. It's been a long time since I've been able to use a tuba sample in a song. =) I've been using Apple's Logic Pro, Garage Band, and DigiDesign's Pro Tools in the music creation process.

Today, I am chilling out and taking a breather after a pretty intense week. Praise God for His faithfulness.

Saturday, April 09, 2005

A poster for the upcoming show on April 22nd. Posted by Hello

Playing Catch up

Finally...a Saturday to chill out...somewhat. Spring is's a beautiful day in Columbus, OH, just another reminder of God's faithfulness.

Yesterday was the last 12 hour day of work for a week and half. I've been involved in the shooting of a national children's televsion show, and the crew is off until April 20th. I'll be working on other tv related things next week, but my hours will be a bit more conservative.

Tonight, the band is getting together to practice in preparation for the April 22nd concert at Life Community Church. We also had a practice this previous Monday night. It's awesome as we are now focusing more on overall feel and accents instead of which notes are to be played. The band is still playing with chord charts, but they are near the point of playing the songs entirely from memory.

As far as other album news goes, 7 of the 11 songs on "Backstage Pass" have been accepted by ASCAP. Not sure what the hold up is on the 4 "pending" songs. I started this registration process with ASCAP back in January.

Today, I need to seriously catch up on laundry and cleaning, and I need to get to the grocery as I haven't been there in weeks. In addition, the church I've been running sound for (on Sunday mornings) had a new sound system installed this I need to stop by and familiarize myself with the new gear.

I'm also currently recovering from a cold, which I've had for a week and a half. I'm praying it clears up soon as the next show is quickly approaching. This cough is quite hindering when it comes to singing.

I have to be has been quite tiring recently. I just realize more and more how often I look to earthly circumstances to fullfill me. For example, I frequently catch myself finding my value in "excellence." That is, when I do something well (even if no one notices), I feel good about who I am. However, there are often times when there isn't anything to "accomplish" and it's easy for me to look at myself as unproductive...and even a bit worthless. Sometimes, God calls us to simply rest, and a lot of times, I find it hard to really slow down and stop planning and pursuing. I know life is so much bigger than what we do, and the spirit man inside me wants to learn what it means to live apart from the shackles of daily accomplishment. It stil amazes me to think that (as a Christian) God choose me before the foundation of the earth to be His servant...His choice wasn't based upon how good I was at this or that...He chose a wretched sinner to be in His family...a choice fueled by grace and unconditional love.