Crystal Whipped

Here’s a crazy tale about dreams come true
I was kickin’ it alone at age thirty two
It was real slim pickin’s in the single’s scene
I was a king with a castle, but I had no queen
No curtains in my room, no dressers for my clothes,
Boxed dinners each night and mixed laundry loads
All settled in to the bachelor’s life
‘Til my parents got me hip to this sweet web site
e-Harmony dot com was the place
With Neil Warren Clark and his salesman’s face
I logged in and took the hour profile test
Next day I was landin’ matches right and left
But sadly, I kept on comin’ back empty
Drove down to Florida, even once to Mississippi
A sad dateless loop that was gettin’ strange
But my big frowny world was about to change

All the fellas in the house say...
All the ladies in the house say...
Like a quick gun smack to the back of the head
I got..., he got...

The years went by, and I took a hiatus
Burned out on dating, my hopes had all faded
‘Til One morning in a coffee shop
I check my yahoo and my white jaw dropped
I saw this fine lady up in Ashland town
She had the greenest eyes and cutest smile around
We chatted for a week or three in cyberspace
Then I met up with her family for some sweet cheescake
15,000 miles on my brand new Matrix
On the road like a gypsy, but I wouldn’t dare trade it
Talking on the tele’ nearly all the time,
I was floating with my baby on cloud called nine

All the fellas in the house say Crystal Whipped
All the ladies in the house say Crystal Whipped
Like a quick gun smack to the back of my head
I got Crystal Whipped, he got Crystal Whipped
(repeat)

So now my apartment, well, it smells like candles
Doiles on the table, pictures on the mantel
Flowers on the wall in the purple bedroom
The sink is lined up with soaps and perfumes
All transformed, a lady’s in the house
And if you see my face, that’s what I’m smilin’ about
Spent my whole life lookin’, finally found my pearl,
And I thank the Lord above for my Weaver girl

All the fellas in the house say Crystal Whipped
All the ladies in the house say Crystal Whipped
Like a quick gun smack to the back of my head
I got Crystal Whipped, he got Crystal Whipped
(repeat)

I wrote this rap song for our reception. You can listen to the mp3 here.