I spent about two years writing and recording my last rock album Backstage Pass – a long and challenging process which included a number of emotional highs and lows. Some of you understand the artistic temperament. If you’re an artist, you know what it’s like struggling to come up with ideas. You can relate to the feelings of excitement and let down which accompany the road of creation. One moment you’re pumped about a new song you’ve written and the next minute, you’re discouraged when you play the song for someone else and don’t get the reaction you’re looking for. You know what it’s like to compare yourself to others, all the while wishing you were better at singing or playing your instrument. If you’re an artist, you’re familiar with the vulnerability that comes with releasing your baby to the public. Some of you know exactly what I’m talking about. Waiting for the Rain
Personally, I underwent a creative drought between the years of 2004 and 2009. For five years, I attempted to write songs, but nothing came to me… or at least nothing I was proud of. I’m still not sure why I had so much trouble writing songs for such an extended period of time. I can only guess. I’m thinking initially it had to do with the fact that I wasn’t motivated to produce another album. I really began to feel that God wanted me to step away from music, mainly because it seemed that everything I was trying was failing, and I just didn’t sense God’s blessing on what I was doing musically. I basically threw in the towel for about a year or so starting in 2005. Then towards the end of 2005, I started trying to write again, although I was more or less journaling about what I was going to write, without ever actually penning any songs that represented what I was hoping to output. Here is an excerpt from a journal entry I wrote in late 2005.
“Right now, I am wrestling with a lot of emotions...fear, doubt, cynicism, confusion. There are days when I wake up and wonder what I’ve done with my life, if anything. As a 30-year old, I’ve begun to feel that I am “outdated”...maybe even “lost”...wandering the wilderness of singlehood, not knowing where I am to turn. If there were one thing I wish I had right now, it would be hope. Hope that God still has great things in store for me. Hope that I am making a difference in the lives of those around me. Hope that I will not grow more and more cynical and withdrawn as years pass. Hope that I can find intimacy in friendships, or even a lifelong mate. Hope that I can truly open up and be accepted for who I really am inside. Hope that I can overcome the evil one and the sin in my life with the strength of Christ. Hope that I can actually make friends and keep them...hope that they will stick with me even when I am unlovable. Hope that I will find a mentor and/or partner who will be a musical sounding board, and will push me to be a better musician/writer/performer and hopefully, a better man of faith. It’s interesting how hope is the one thing which combats so many of the emotions I face these days…
…I think I’ve been brought up in an environment that tells me to make myself as presentable as possible. I don’t think you can really appreciate the beauty of life until you come to grips with how evil man is, how dangerous the world is, and how loving God is.
…My point is I want to write from an adult’s perspective...I may be finished with writing cute songs. If anything, I feel that this project needs to be more transparent and more penetrating emotionally. I don’t want to limit my wording to a particular audience necessarily and I don’t want to over analyze my approach. In the end, I want to write what I know and what I feel honestly, from the heart, from the spirit...without the limitations of what “Christian music is supposed to look like.” My faith and my wrestling’s, and the Word of God will be the guide, not the expectations of others.” – written 12/26/05
As I look back, I can see how God was stretching and building my faith. Those years of drought were actually years I wouldn’t dare trade. I learned a lot of life lessons through those low points that transcended my musical journey. I believe the Lord brought me through a number of doubts and trials so that I could encourage others that may be going through some of the same things I’ve been through. No, I’m not single anymore, but I distinctly remember how difficult it was wondering if I would ever find my soul mate. No, I wouldn’t consider myself depressed now, but I’ve been depressed in the past, and I’ve learned that the voices in my head are not always necessarily speaking God’s truth. Regardless, even now as I work on this new project, I have to be careful to stay balanced emotionally. It’s been incredible this time around to share the creative process with my wonderful wife Crystal. She has been such a great support and encouragement, and quite honestly, I wouldn’t have started this project if it weren’t for her pushing me to do it. The simple words “you can” from someone you love can make all the difference.
Your Feelings are Your Friends
Those of you that know me know I am an analyzer. I probably drive some of you insane, but diversity is what makes the world go around, right? For me, the writing process is like nothing else I have experienced. Why? It demands that I dig deep inside my heart to see what I’m really feeling and what really matters to me. Any other time, it’s easier to ignore your feelings, but when it’s time to write, you have to look those feelings right in the face because for once, whether good or bad, they are your friends. Those feelings are the parents of your newborn songs.
For me, clarifying and filtering my feelings can be an extremely difficult task. It’s one thing to feel something. It’s another thing to communicate those feelings to others in a constructive way. If I straight out told you I was sad, you might not care (just for the record, I’m not sad… I’m just using this as an example). However, you might stop and listen if I wrote a song that made you sad, or embodied your own sadness. All this to say… song writing pushes me to a new level of analyzing. I never throw a song together… every lyric has been stewing for months in a creative crock-pot.
Two is Better Than One
Being married has been awesome… on many levels… even creatively. For one, I have a Godly wife who is extremely supportive, but along with this, Crystal has taught me a lot about balance. I used to write and record whenever I wanted to, but now I need to (and want to) think about what is best for my wife. Usually, we have one day and one evening during the week which are set apart as “music times.” Having a schedule like this has caused me to be both more intentional (setting musical goals for each week) and more balanced (as I’m usually not working on music every single evening and weekend). Even years ago, I began to realize the importance of taking breaks. Good songs come through life experiences, and many of the most life building experiences happen outside of the studio. In other words, it’s important for the artist to get outside, smell the roses, play a game, take a trip… whatever it takes to keep his/her life in balance so that his/her purpose of helping others through music isn’t snuffed out because he/she is never engaging in the lives of others.
The Mental War Zone
I recently spoke with a writer friend who said he also had to “battle many voices inside his head,” especially throughout the creative processes of writing his books. I think it’s probably a common thing for artists (and even non-artists) to wrestle with thoughts of self-criticism and doubt. Here are some lessons I’ve learned (and continue to learn) which have helped me to maneuver the landmines of the artistic mind’s warzone.
First, you can’t live your life trying to please everybody. Some people won’t like you and/or your art no matter what you do or change. As the old Steven Curtis Chapman song says, “You’ve Gotta B True.” I believe the best and most powerful art happens when we’re willing to be ourselves. Second, as important as it can be to analyze, don’t think yourself to death. We can be our worst enemies by thinking ourselves into a corner of self-paralysis (analysis of paralysis, as the saying goes). Think constructive thoughts, not destructive ones. Third, realize that your art is not nearly as important to others as it is to you… and be ok with that. As an example, moviemakers spend years and millions of dollars making a movie that people (usually) watch one time for two hours. After the movie is over, the audience is on to something else. So it goes with music. Some people may play your CD over and over, but they’ll never play it as many times as you’ve played it trying to get everything just right. For you, your music may be your life, but for most people, your music is entertainment, a point of interest that often turns as quickly as the turn sty of a box office hit. That can be a tough one to stomach. Forth, and this is critical… though art may be an extension of you, it is not what makes you who you are. In other words, you as a person have much more value than your art. As Christians, we need to be confident in who we are in Christ. That’s where our real value lies.
The Best I Have To Offer
I like how one artist put it at the release of his new album… “This is the best I have to offer right now.” It’s important to see the creative process as a journey. We’re all on the road to becoming better, and no one project is going to completely sum up what we want to say or where God is ultimately taking us.
Up Next… “Meet the Musicians: The Team Behind The New Album”
No comments:
Post a Comment