Behind the Songs: More Than Broken

One of the reoccurring themes throughout Snapshots of the Shattered Soul is the theme of brokenness. I really wanted to produce a project that met people where they were. I didn’t want to write songs about the way the things should be. Instead, I set out to write about real life – songs that could reach into the lives of both Christians and non-Christians alike.

We are all imperfect and broken people. There is something wrong with every one of us. To begin, we are all sinners and blemished before a perfect and holy God. In addition, we all have issues that hinder us in one way or another. Some of us are defeated by the destructive voices inside our own heads. Some of us are losing a fight with addiction. Some of us are crying out for love, yet are looking in all the wrong places. For some of us, pride is killing our relationship with God and with others. Some of us secretly despise our own looks or personality.

My Own Journey of Brokenness
For years, I’ve wrestled with whether God truly loves me. Even though the Bible tells me about God’s love, I’ve at times believed that God has abandoned or forgotten me. Maybe you’re there or have been there. On a personal note, I’m currently unemployed and have been without full time work for over five months. As a guy, this has been extremely frustrating and humbling. The desire to provide for my family is in my blood, yet it remains unfulfilled. My pregnant (and incredibly supportive) wife is working part time, and I’m still searching for work. Audio-for-video production jobs are scarce in Columbus, OH (I went to school for communications with a focus in broadcast media). Most of these jobs are in Los Angeles or New York, and we’d rather not move too far away from our family with a little baby on the way (however, we may have to). On the flip side, it’s tough to get a “low end” job because I’m over qualified. As an example, I’ve had no retail experience and very little warehouse experience. Even though I could easily be trained for some of these jobs, I’ve had no experience so that makes me a lesser candidate. At times, I’ve been able to make some extra money through freelance staging work or live sound work. However, freelance jobs tend to be few and far between in the wintertime.

I did work as a worship pastor for a little over two years, but I question whether I can ever bring myself to work in a church again (unless God changes my heart). Both Crystal and I were so hurt by how things were handled there. We desire to forgive everyone who was involved, but at the same time, it’s hard to imagine going through that sort of thing again. I was basically asked to resign because I was not showing enough “passion” from the stage. The pastor wanted to see people clapping and smiling all the time, while I was trying to lead people in the genuine worship of God, not the worship of experience (which tends to be theme at a lot of churches these days). One day, it seemed that everything was going well… then one Tuesday morning, I walked into what seemed to be a typical weekly meeting with the pastor, only to find out that he wanted me to resign immediately. A half hour later, I was clearing out my office, and was talking on the phone with my wife, who was both shocked and hurt. Less than a week later, we were standing in front of hundreds of our friends telling them that we were leaving the church (against our own will). Anyone who has gone through this sort of thing understands the emotions that come with having the rug pulled out from under you. One challenge of ministry jobs is this – if you lose your job, you lose more than just a job. You lose friends, you lose your support system, and you can become an outcast in the community. This is tough on a guy who tends to find identity in work, and it may be even more difficult for a woman who finds her identity in deep-rooted relationships.

A Constant Friend Along Uncertain Roads
Through this journey, there have been times when I have felt like quite a loser. I’ve often cried out, “God, where are you in all this? Have you forgotten us? I thought I was called to minister to people, but I feel so useless right now! I want to take care of my family, but I get turned down for every job I apply for. Why would you give us a baby and then not take care of us?”

The amazing thing is God has been taking care of us. We’ve been able to pay every bill on time. We haven’t had to use credit cards. We had thousands of dollars of medical bills earlier this year, all of which are paid off (65% was covered by financial aid). Our friends and family have been so supportive. Every time it feels like “we’re going under,” another miracle happens. A side job or a gift shows up. It’s truly incredible. God promised in his Word to provide for our basic needs (Matthew 6:25-34), yet I’ve doubted that promise so many times. It’s just been a reminder that God really does love us and he loves the little baby boy my wife is carrying (even more than we do).

I’ve been humbled a lot through this journey. For one, I’ve realized how much I want to do things my way. I want to be the one providing for my family. I want to feel the accomplishment of earning a paycheck. I want to plan for tomorrow, and I want to know that we have a back-up plan in place in case the floor falls out again. In such uncertainty, I’ve been reminded that God is the One who provides all things. If I have a job, it’s because He’s allowed me to have that job. If I don’t, He’s still the same Father who loves us as His children.

The bridge in More Than Broken speaks a lot into our current situation - Maybe there’s love that won’t let go/Maybe there’s One who heals the soul/A constant friend along uncertain roads/Maybe He meets us where we are/Making beautiful these scars/He hears the cries of our forsaken hearts (these words were written back in the fall of 2009). Last Sunday, I was guest worship leading at a church and the pastor said something that really resonated with me. He said that Jesus understood what it felt like to be rejected. Of course, I knew that already, but when I heard the pastor say this, it rang with a new meaning. Jesus was betrayed by friends. He was mocked and spit upon while he carried a cross He didn’t deserve to carry. He understands brokenness more than any of us could. What’s even more amazing is the reality that He loves each one of us, more than we could ever imagine. Romans 5:8 says, “But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.” The world may tell us that we’re worthless if we don’t have this or that or if we don’t look a certain way. Our own doubts may tell us that God doesn’t care. We may believe the lie that we are unlovable. Jesus loves us so much He died for us despite our sin. How can we doubt His love in light of such a great sacrifice?

The Stories Behind The Song
I wanted to take a story-telling approach with the lyrics of More Than Broken. The first verse talks of a woman who doesn’t feel loved by her husband. She hasn’t done anything wrong, but she doesn’t know what to do except to blame herself. The story is fictional, but was partially inspired by someone we knew who was going through some marriage struggles.

The second verse paints the picture of a boy who is not loved by his parents. There is also some dissension between his parents. He tries to ignore the pain, but it is still there no matter how far he runs from it. These lyrics are inspired by a true story. In sixth grade, a friend of mine took his own life. My friends and I could not believe it. One day he was there at school and the next thing we knew, he was gone. I still don’t know all the details except that his grades had something to do with the situation. To this day, I still think about my friend Luke and wonder what would have happened if he really believed that he was loved by God and by so many friends.

God’s Love For You
I know that there are people out there (maybe reading this very blog) who are hurting inside. A woman who doesn’t have anyone to talk to. A guy struggling to survive another day.

Psalm 34:18 reads, “The LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.” God knows our pain. It’s crazy to me that Jesus was both completely God and completely human. What this means is that He is able to help us like no one else (as He is God, all powerful and all knowing) and He is able to understand us and empathize with us like no human can (as He Himself was tempted and tried just like us – Hebrews 4:15).

Maybe you’re hurting. Cry out to God. Take it from someone who has cried out to God many times. He will hear you and if you let Him, He will reach in and heal your deepest wounds. One day, you may see that those wounds are for His glory. He may use what you’ve been through to encourage other people. He may use those scars to remind you where you’ve been, and how far He has brought you.

"Come to Me, all who are weary and heavy-laden, and I will give you rest. Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For My yoke is easy and My burden is light." Matt 11:28-30

“Are not five sparrows sold for two pennies? Yet not one of them is forgotten by God. Indeed, the very hairs of your head are all numbered. Don’t be afraid; you are worth more than many sparrows.” Luke 12:6-7

“For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.” Romans 8:38

“But God chose the foolish things of the world to shame the wise; God chose the weak things of the world to shame the strong. God chose the lowly things of this world and the despised things—and the things that are not—to nullify the things that are, so that no one may boast before him.” I Corinthians 1:27-29

Other links:
Behind the Songs: Shadows & Sunlight
Behind the Songs: Surfacing