The Album: Motivation (Chapter 10, Part 2 of 2)

So why am I working on a new rock album? That is a great question. It’s a question I often ask myself, especially when the going gets tough and I start to get a little weary of the long vertical climb. Nobody forced me to take this challenge on. Nobody is paying me to put out another CD. Aren’t I being a little too analytical here? Why even consider my motives? Because like I mentioned earlier, motives are the backbone of why we do things, and if the purpose of what we do is grounded in something bigger than ourselves, we can have that much more confidence to keep trying when our emotions tempt us to throw in the towel. I wouldn’t say I am exactly tempted to give up now, but I do sometimes run through a list of “what ifs.” What if few people buy my CD? What if people don’t like the new music? What if they like my old music better? What if I don’t make any profit? Will I feel like a failure? What if people don’t get where I’m coming from with such strong and emotional songs? What if I can’t afford to finish the project? What if I get done with the CD, and I don’t even like the songs? What if this is the last CD I ever make? The list can become quite ridiculous at times. These are often the moments when God stops me and asks, “Marc, what about people and what about my glory? What about the relationships between you and others who are giving their time and talent to help make this project a reality? Will these friendships grow or will they be damaged through this process?” Wow. We sure can get focused on the wrong things real quick, can’t we? Here’s a good verse I often come back to.

”Unless the LORD builds the house, its builders labor in vain. Unless the LORD watches over the city, the watchmen stand guard in vain.” Psalm 127:1

I have often fallen into the trap of believing that my songs are what will change people’s lives. However, the older I get, the more I realize that music and songs mean nothing if I am inconsiderate of my family and friends, and if I am unconscious of the God that gave me the opportunities and the mind to create. Of course, I want these new songs to encourage and challenge people, but I also understand that my interaction with others is so much more important than the music I release.

A Different Conception
In addition to the purpose of wanting to glorify the Lord and encourage people, there are some other reasons why I am working on this new album. In some of my previous blogs, I’ve mentioned that I went through a five-year writing drought between the years of 2004 and 2009. For years, I wanted to produce a new album, but felt so lost creatively and didn’t know which direction to go topically and musically (I also had no idea how I could afford to make another CD, as I was still paying off a huge debt accrued from Backstage Pass). Throughout these five years, I believe I was burying a lot of emotions in an attempt to survive, and I’m now convinced I was likewise squelching my feelings to the point that I no longer knew how to get those feelings out constructively in song. I remember telling myself repeatedly, “My feelings don’t matter” because it was the only way I could stop feeling the pain. As an author friend of mine put it, “I was killing my heart.” I began feeding myself a lie that nobody cared about my pain, and with this, I started believing that I shouldn’t care either.

Nevertheless, the Lord brought me out of that. He reminded me that I needed to bring my pain and my flattened hopes to Him. This began a God-led emotional healing in my life. I felt a new freedom to let go and trust Him. However, for a time, I believe this new perspective actually threw me off creatively. From all I knew, it was my darker and heavier songs that moved people the most – songs like Pull Through, Hurricane, and By Now. I was convinced that emotionally charged music was my strongest suit, but I didn’t know how to write heavy songs when my heart was no longer heavy. For years, I kept a journal that covered the topic of writing new songs, but I never actually wrote any songs (or at least ones that I liked).

Then, in August 2009, songs started pouring out in the middle of the night about a week after a coffee shop conversation I had had with a friend who was struggling with depression and negative thoughts. It was as if something had just clicked. For once, I stepped outside of my own life and started writing from other people’s perspectives. I began to notice the struggle in others’ lives and how those struggles related to the struggles I had in my own life. For a long time, I wanted to write an album for the down and outer, and finally, I figured out how to do it in my own way. I decided I was going to be completely honest instead of hiding behind the façade that is so prevalent in Christian music these days. This single conversation over coffee with my friend was the first of many situations that encouraged me to not only write about where I was currently, but also about where I had been. As I was composing these new songs, this verse came to mind -

”Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God. For just as the sufferings of Christ flow over into our lives, so also through Christ our comfort overflows.” (2 Corinthians 1:3-5)

Centering Our Motives
Let’s be honest. Sometimes, it’s really tough to know our true motives. Even good motives can quickly turn sour and selfish. Paul even addressed the topic of motives in I Corinthians 4:3-5 -

”I care very little if I am judged by you or by any human court; indeed, I do not even judge myself. My conscience is clear, but that does not make me innocent. It is the Lord who judges me. Therefore judge nothing before the appointed time; wait till the Lord comes. He will bring to light what is hidden in darkness and will expose the motives of men's hearts. At that time each will receive his praise from God.”

I know that my motives have not always been pure (even though I’ve tried to keep God in the center of my endeavors). As I look back, I can see that there were many times when I found my identity through music. In middle school and high school, I was the Christian rapper. It seems silly in hindsight, but at the time, it was a big deal to be the school rap star. Even then, I wanted to glorify Christ through my music, but underneath, I think I did eat up people’s praise from time to time. Even now, there are moments when I wrestle with truly giving the glory to God instead of taking it for myself. As Paul said, God is the ultimate judge, and it’s possible that we’re still guilty of hoarding the glory even when we think we’re innocent. I still often pray, “Lord, help me with my motives. Help me to keep You, others, and eternity in mind.”

Lowered Expectations and Heightened Freedom
In closing, I’m going to talk a little about expectations. Being that there have been some let downs in the past, I’m trying to lose some of the expectations I carried during previous projects. For one, I’m not working to make a profit. I’m paying for the project outright, and I’m avoiding using credit cards. I don’t want to dig myself a deep hole in the pocket hoping for something I have zero control over. If anything, I just don’t want to pay for the album for years to come.

I’m also not setting out to get signed by a record label. I’m going to market this project myself, and if someone “in the business” hears it and likes it, that’s great, but I’m not counting on that, nor am I shaping the content of this album with a mysterious Christian label executive in mind.

In addition, I don’t expect everybody to like my music. Some people don’t even like music at all, let alone Christian rock. This doesn’t mean these people don’t like me, and it doesn’t mean that I shouldn’t like them either. It’s not going to be for everyone, and I’m ok with that.

I’m not expecting these songs to change the world. They’re just songs, but I do hope they encourage people – even if I never hear about it. Ultimately, I pray that hearts will be changed, but this is only something God can do. He can use whatever He wants to make Himself known to people.

Finally, I have to admit that there is part of me that just likes a challenge, and likes to see rough ideas turn into art. God is a creative being and after making the universe, He stepped back, rested, and exclaimed, “It is good!” As long as God is in the center, I suppose there is nothing wrong with simply doing something because you enjoy the process and like to admire the finished product.